I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
