The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
