textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
