Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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