and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize