if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
