I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
