not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
