the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
