i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
