Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
