You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
