I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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