Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
