Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
