Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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