Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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