Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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