Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize