My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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