Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
