I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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