I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
