Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
