So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
