just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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