so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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