I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
