i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
