well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
