I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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