A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
