I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
