I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
