Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
