I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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