in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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