I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
