Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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