we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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