I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
