I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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