I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Randomize
