I have demons in me.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
