You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
