Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
