i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize