trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
