i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
