based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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