I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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