I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize