If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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