He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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