I have demons in me.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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