READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
