It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
