Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My pussy is not your playground.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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