Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
