stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
