i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
