Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
