I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
