I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
